Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm just playing. I'll put'em back when I'm done.

Rating: G

Synopsis: After the fact, John reflects on current events.

It's hard to believe that he's gone. Hell, it's more than hard. It's downright impossible. How the hell did this happen? Why the hell do people have to die before I can get my act together and fix the problems that need to be fixed? I can't help thinking that Scorpy is to blame somehow. He's responsible. He started this crap and now I have to carry the weight.

It takes some of the joy out of being a dad. Well, I don't think anything can diminish the way I feel about little D, but it sure as hell puts a damper on my spirit, knowing that big D, my best friend ever, is dead and gone. I thought he was immortal. I know that sounds stupid, but I did. Some part of me did, anyway. Like when you're a kid and you think you and your best bud are gonna be together forever.

Well, look at me now. The guy I thought was my best friend is dead and I didn't even shed a tear when I heard. How's that for insane? But D'Argo ... shit, that's something else. D'Argo laid down his life for us. He stayed behind so we could get away.

I feel like hitting something. Maybe I should. Maybe I should do the same my lovely bride does when she's frustrated and go down to the training bay and kick the shit out of that dummy. Only problem is, that dummy doesn't look anything like the other 'dummy' I wanna kick the shit out of.

I fell for his tricks. I did it again. I let that sick S.O.B. manipulate me into doing exactly what he wanted me to do. I can't forget the look on his face when I activated the weapon. He looked like he was coming off on it big time, that sick bastard.

Some part of me questions the validity of activating that weapon. I know 'Einstein' didn't like it. He swooped right in and erased the technology from my brain. Hell, it should have killed me. I guess it would have been fair to some extent. I've killed a shitload of people, so I guess if I had bought it, it would have evened out the odds somewhat.

But then what about Aeryn? And little D? She's suffered enough. I don't think she'll ever get over losing the other guy. She says there's no difference between us in her mind, but I can feel her looking at me, searching for stuff that isn't there. There's a gap there, something that exists only in her mind now. The time she spent with him on Talyn.

Am I crazy? I guess so. Who can go through so much crap and not be crazy in the end? She keeps me balanced, Aeryn does, but will she be able to keep that up? I'll lose it if she ever leaves me. I know that for sure.

Look at her now, sitting there with little D. It's like she was born to be a mom. It looks so natural. And I think she's enjoying it. She doesn't seem lost or afraid. She just takes everything in stride. Hell, if I had half her presence of mind, I would be happy. She meets new challenges head on and then she runs with them. I'm sure she could live on Earth if she wanted to. Problem is ... I don't want us to go there. It's not worth the risk. Not as long as Scorpy is still out there. Not as long as he doesn't know I can't make wormhole weapons any more. But as long as everybody thinks I hold the key to galactic mayhem, they'll hopefully stay in line.

It's too easy. Nothing is ever that easy. I show them what it can do and they back down? I know the threat is big, the idea probably frightening to both sides, but I got the impression that Mr. Scarran Emperor dude isn't gonna sit on his hands for long. And what do I do when they start stirring again? What do I do if Commandant Cleavage demands I help the PKs fight the Scarrans again? I don't have the knowledge any more. It's gone. I can't build another weapon like that. Hell, I don't want to.

Maybe we should just get the hell out of here while we still can. I don't know. I don't like running away from problems I've caused, but what the hell can I do now? There's no way in hell that the Ancients are gonna help me again. They've done their bit, have moved on to some world somewhere where they can live out the rest of their existence in peace.

But where the hell does that leave the rest of us? Sure, the Scarrans and the PKs are gonna keep each other at bay for now, but at some point someone is gonna overstep a line. Most likely it'll be Scorpy. And then what? We run like hell? Might be best if we run now. I'll have to talk to Aeryn about that.

But not right now. Right now, I just wanna stand here and watch those two and pretend everything's all right. Right now, I just wanna get used to the idea that I've got a wife and a kid.

I wonder what kind of legacy I've given him. He was conceived before I knew about all this shit, but after the Ancients put it in my head. So where does that leave him? Will he grow up knowing wormholes by heart and being able to build a machine like the one I built without trying too hard? I'm sure he's gonna be smarter than his old man. But will he have to carry that burden too? I sure as hell hope not. If I find out he's got that stuff in his head, I'm gonna have to go find Einstein again and have him take it out. No way is any kid of mine gonna be in the same shit I've been in. I won't let that happen.

Man, I could just stand here forever and watch her and the baby. She's so beautiful, it breaks my heart. Mrs. Tough Chick Of The Universe. What a hell of a title, huh? Fits her like a glove. She's tougher than nails and yet so damned nurturing it makes my head spin. Looks like instinct is stronger than breeding. She was bred and raised to be a commando and now she's the galaxy's best mom. Just look at her. Yeah, just look at her. Just pretend everything's okay for now and just watch her. I wish I could freeze time and preserve this moment forever. I wish I could feel like this forever. I'll just stand here a bit longer and watch them. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll worry about tomorrow another day.

The End